Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
