I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
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