It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
