she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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