I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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