I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It's official drugs can't kill me
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
