how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
