2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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