I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
