he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
