i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Randomize
