non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
only you would photoshop your dick
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Randomize
