Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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