How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
