I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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