My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
