Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
