True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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