Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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