Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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