i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
