Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
