you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
