i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Bring me that man meat
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
