Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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