We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
