No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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