theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
