Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
