you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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