Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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