i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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