just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
