My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
