I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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