when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
