I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My balls are so social today.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Randomize
