today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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