I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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