if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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