Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.