is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
So many bounce houses so little time
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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