i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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