I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
