You smell like stripper and shame
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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