If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He told me they were just razor bumps!
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
