you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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