This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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