My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
