thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
