can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
