I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
We need to get me chipped asap
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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