I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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