K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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