I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
The struggles of a small town man whore
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
