Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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