So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
