He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
