You really coming over, don't trick.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her