the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.