I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
