the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
