Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
