So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
