does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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