God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
