I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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